dear jj abrams,
i don’t really know where to start. this is so hard to say. we’ve been together for a long time. i remember when we first met. it was 2001 and you dragged the adorable leelee sobieski through the awkwardly obvious wanna be remake of Speilberg’s ‘Duel’. But I wasn’t even mad. I wasn’t even mad when you made armageddon, it’s probably michael bay’s fault that it sucked. he’s usually the reason everything sucks. felicity was totally gay, but girls liked it, and it gave me an excuse to sit in their parents dark living room under covers with them, which lead to a few hand jobs, so for that, you get a pass. i’ll be honest, i never really watched alias, but i’m in love with jennifer garner, and people won’t shut the fuck up about it. so i assume you made it good.
anyway, we got off to a rocky start, but the more you were around, the more i started to like you. i couldn’t tell why, until Lost. It was Lost that really made me fall in love with you J.J., and a truer love I had only known with david chase, and jerry seinfeld. but they were gone, and you were all that i had left in my life. and i loved it. i loved you. i loved jack, and kate, and sawyer. hurley and sayid and locke and ben and the rest. i loved how you had sex with my brain every week, pulling me forward, then pushing me back in time, allegiances crossed, lies unfurled. it was an affair that i miss every day that Lost isn’t on air.
And then you started seeing Kurtzman and Orci. (i mean look at these clowns!)
At first, i tried to play it cool. we were only really ‘seeing’ each other, once a week. sometimes on weekends at the theater, but you were so aloof. you kept me guessing, on the edge of my seat, constantly with the mind games. i tried to play aloof as well as you were when you started in with these hooligans, and i wasn’t even mad at MI:3. Really, it was okay, you guys went off and did that, and it wasn’t bad. I’ve seen it twice. Not mad at all.
But then last night I watched you guys do Fringe. JJ, i love you. but forget those guys. what are they doing to you? i spent an hour watching an annoyingly determined piece of ass run across the globe and back to save her two timing boyfriend, and a smug joshua jackson fire bad puns as his lunatic father while he pumped the poor girl full of LSD so she can have brain dream sex with her man. really? joshua jackson? dude peaked with dawsons creek (yeah i watched dawsons creek, fuck you), and is still running the same weak act. and what was with all the sentimental shit and obvious musical scoring cues? that’s not you man. you’ve changed. you’ve changed JJ.
these guys are killing you. GET AWAY. Look, you’re making star trek with them next for christ’s sake. why? why JJ? what are they doing to you?
remember drew goddard? remember how much fun you guys had on Lost? Then on Cloverfield? Look, even drew has gotten jealous of you seeing those two wanna-bes and is working on a project with joss whedon. your nemesis!
JJ, for real. from me to you, cut these two hooligans off. keep it real JJ. and besides, we all liked the show better last time. when it was called x-files.
best,
vs